Miss Waiting

這是一本關於想念的書，也許是字字句句都太真切，讀起來格外溫柔。一直想記錄什麼，但讀英文寫中文心得實在有點拐彎抹角，尤其讀的不是故事而是散文又更難下評論，所以想透過翻譯傳達我對這些文字的感情，這是我接收到滿滿感受時唯一能回報的方式。


rumblefish
I now get scared of forgetting anything about Renée, even the tiniest detail, even the bands on this tape I can't stand--if she touched them, I want to hear her fingerprints. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart pounding, trying to remember: What was Renée's shoe size? What color were her eyes? What was her birthday, her grandparents' first names, that Willie Nelson song we heard on the radio in Atlanta? The memory comes back, hours or days later. It always comes back. But in the moment, I panic. I'm positive it's gone for good. I'm shaking from that sensation now, trying to  remember some of this music. Nothing connects to the moment like music. I count on the music to bring me back--or, more, precisely, to bring her forward.
我害怕我會忘了Renée，即使是最瑣碎的細節、即使是這錄音帶上我無法忍受的樂團，但如果這是她親手挑選的歌曲，我想從中聽見她指紋留下的痕跡。有時候半夜醒來，心臟狂跳，我試著去回想：Renée穿幾號鞋？她的眼睛是什麼顏色？她的生日、她祖父母的名字、還有我們在Atlanta聽的那首Willie Nelson的歌到底是什麼？記憶在幾小時或幾天後會恢復，它總是會回到我身邊，但在驚醒的當下，我很恐懼。我想，遺忘何嘗不好，但遺忘的感覺現在一想起來又是一陣寒顫，我開始試著回想這些歌曲，唯有音樂能帶你回到某一片刻，我仰賴音樂拉回久遠的記憶，或者更確切地說，我仰賴音樂推著她在我的生命中前進。

hey jude
I have built my entire life around loving music, and I surround myself with it. I'm always racing to catch up on my next favorite song. But I never stop playing my mixes. Every fan makes them. The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with--nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and they add up to the story of a life.
我一生熱愛音樂，也活在對音樂的熱愛中。總是樂此不疲地尋找下一首最愛的歌曲，但也從不曾停止聆聽我的自製混音帶。只要是樂迷都會作上一卷，而收錄的是曾經的過往和共存記憶的人們，唯有一卷陳年錄音帶能一五一十地將回憶重現，這比腦袋裡的組織可靠多了。每一卷自製混音帶都是一個故事，一卷又一卷的，一生的故事就被唱完了。

sheena was a man
Unlike me,  Renée was not shy; she was a real people-pleaser. She worried way too much what people thought of her, wore her heart on her sleeve, expected too much from people, and got hurt too easily. She kept people's secrets like a champ, but told her own too fast. She expected the world not to cheat her and was always surprised when it did. 
Renée不像我這麼害羞，她喜歡取悅群眾。她太在乎人們對她的看法，卻毫不掩飾真心；她對人的期望太高，也容易因此受傷。別人的祕密她守口如瓶，卻急於分享自己的秘密。她奢望這世界沒有謊言，但還是在每一次被欺騙後感到震驚。

I thought, there is nowhere else in the universe I would rather be at this moment. I could count the places I would not rather be. I've always wanted to see New Zealand, but I'd rather be here. The majestic ruins of Machu Picchu? I'd rather be here. A hillside in Cuenca, Spain, sipping coffee and watching leaves fall? Not even close. There is nowhere else I could imagine wanting to be besides here in this car, with this girl, on this road, listening to this song. If she breaks my heart, no matter what hell she puts me through, I can say it was worth it, just because of right now. Out the window is a blur and all I can really hear is this girl's hair flapping in the wind, and maybe if we drive fast enough the universe will lose track of us and forget to stick us somewhere else.
我曾想過，除了此時此刻，這個世上大概沒有我更想待的地方了，我甚至可以一一細數：我一直都很想去紐西蘭，可是我更想待在這裡；馬丘比丘的遺跡很壯觀，可是我更想待在這裡；那在西班牙厄瓜多爾的山坡上啜飲一杯咖啡、觀賞葉子飄落呢？想都不用想。除了坐在這台車上、行駛在這條路上、和這個女孩聽著這首歌以外，沒有我更想去的地方。如果她傷了我的心、讓我生不如死，我仍可告訴你：一切都值得，只因為我們擁有此刻。車窗外一片朦朧，只聽見這女孩的髮被風吹動的聲音，也許我們再開快一點，就能駛離宇宙的軌道，不屬於任何一處。

a little down, a little duvet
I never planned to get married when I was only twenty-five, and I'm not sure exactly how it happened--neither of us ever officially proposed, or anything dramatic like that. It started off as a playful fantasy we talked about. Then the fantasy became a plan, the way fantasies sometimes do, and the plan became a future. It didn't hit us as the climax of anything, just the celebration of something that had already happened to us. I guess we hoped the celebration would help us understand what had happened.
二十五歲結婚從來就不在我的計畫中，我已經不太記得是怎麼一回事，我們倆都沒有正式求婚，也沒有其他戲劇性的事情發生。一切都是從我們聊著夢想的玩笑話中開始的，接著夢想自然而然地形成藍圖，藍圖建構了未來。結婚的念頭並非來自感情中的高潮，反倒像在慶祝我們早已擁有的東西，我想，舉辦一場儀式能讓我們更了解那究竟是什麼吧。

It really started one Saturday when we were driving around in the mountains off Route 33, listening to a Marshall Crenshaw song called "Lesson Number One." It's a sad rockabilly ballad about how lying is bad, and telling the truth is lesson number one. We started talking about the song, and I carelessly said, "I've never lied to you."
"Yeah?" she said. "And you never will?"
"No, I never will."
Then we were both quiet for a few minutes. I was afraid that I'd just ruined everything; it was the first time either of us had ever promised anything. But it felt all right. I guess making little promises made us brave about the bigger ones.
若真要說何時開始，大概就是某個我們行駛在山區三十三號公路的星期六吧，當時車裡放著Marshall Crenshaw的Lesson Number One，那是一首有點悲傷、勸人別說謊講實話才是上策的鄉村搖滾情歌，我們聽著聽著開始討論起來，我一不小心就吐出一句：「我從來沒對妳說謊。」
「真的？以後也不會嗎？」她問道。
「永遠不會。」
接著是一陣沉默，我開始擔心我毀了一切，因為這是頭一次在我倆之中有人許下承諾。不過感覺其實也沒那麼遭，也許小小的承諾使我們更勇於許下重要的諾言。

dancing with myself
I never learned any sewing from Renée at all. That was totally her thing.  But the intensity of her presense while she bent over the machine and made it hum--that stayed with me. So did all the pattern lingo and fabric jargon. Just more of the endless, useless knowledge you absorb when you're in a relationship, with no meaning or relevance outside of that relationship. When the relationship's gone, you're stuck knowing all this garbage. A couple of years after Renée died, I was in a room full of friends watching the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice. Everybody commented on those funny dresses Jennifer Ehle wears. "Mmmm, yes, the empire waist," I said. "Authentic to the period, but a daring choice, since it usually looks silly on someone who isn't very tall. But she wears it well. Nicole Kidman wore one to the Oscars in 1996." All the heads in the room slowly turned and stared at me.  I had no idea how any of this was stuck in my head. My friends waited in silence for some kind of explanation. Nobody was more curious than I was.
我從來沒跟Renée學半點裁縫技巧，那是她專屬的興趣，但她埋首於轟隆隆作響的機器前，那強烈的存在揮之不去，連所有花紋的奇怪名字、布料的專業用語也牢記在心。就像一段關係中，隨著時間你會吸取越來越多沒用又與感情本身無關的知識，當某天感情走了，這些垃圾資訊卻緊緊跟著你。Renée去世幾年後，某天我和幾位朋友在房裡看BBC出品的《傲慢與偏見》，每個人都在聊Jennifer Ehle身上穿的奇怪衣服，我則說：「嗯，對，高腰設計，的確是當時的主流，不過選這款還滿大膽的，一般長得不高的人穿起來都不好看，但她看起來還不錯。妮可基曼在1996年的奧斯卡典禮上也穿了一件。」 房裡所有人都悄悄回過頭盯著我看，我也無從知曉我腦袋裡怎麼會有這些東西，他們不發一語，好像在等著我解釋，但事實上，我比他們更好奇其中的原因。

how i got that look
I suddenly realized how much being a husband was about fear: fear of not being able to keep somebody safe, of not being able to protect somebody from all the bad stuff you want to protect them from. Knowing they have more tears in them than you will be able to keep them from crying. I realized that Renée had seen me fail, and that she was the person I was going to be failing in front of for the rest of my life. It was just a little failure, but it promised bigger failures to come. Additional ones, anyway. But that's who your wife is, the person you fail in front of. Love is so confusing; there's no peace of mind.
我忽然領悟到丈夫這個角色要面對多少恐懼：害怕沒能顧及某人的安危、沒能保護某人遠離你不願發生在他身上的壞事、無法阻止他哭泣甚至讓他流更多淚。我也忽然了解Renée曾看著我失敗，而且她將看著我一次次失敗，一輩子。 雖然有時候只是稍稍失職，但一旦有一次做不到，就會有更多承諾無法遵守。但是身為一個妻子就是如此，丈夫的失敗她歷歷在目。愛情總令人傷透腦筋，內心沒有一刻平靜。

via vespucci
What is love? Great minds have been grappling with this question through ages, and in the modern era, they have come up with many different answers. According to the Western philosopher Pat Benatar, love is a battlefield. Her paisan Frank Sinatra would add the corollary that love is a tender trap. The stoner kids who spent the summer of 1978 looking cool on hoods of their Trans Ams in the Pierce Elementary School parking lot used to scare us little kids by blasting the Sweet hit "Love Is Like Oxygen"--you get too much, you get too high, not enough and you're gonna die. Love hurts. Love stinks. Love bites, love bleeds, love is the drug. The troubadours of our times all agree: They want to know what love is, and they want you to show them.
愛是什麼？ 從古至今，那些了不得的腦袋已和這個問題糾纏多時，即使到了現代仍說法不一。西方樂屆的哲學家Pat Benatar說，愛情如戰場；她的好哥兒們Frank Sinatra另有一番見解，說愛情是溫柔的陷阱。 1978年夏天在皮爾斯小學停車場，那群穿著Trans Ams帽T耍酷的小混混，總是對著我們這些小毛頭猛唱Sweet的Love Is Like Oxygen好嚇唬我們：吸太多太嗨，吸不夠就要你的命。愛傷人。愛腐敗。愛會咬人。愛會流血。愛是一種毒品。而我們世代的吟遊詩人們則一至認同：他們想知道愛到底是什麼東西，而且最好有人能證明。

But the answer is simple. Love is a mix tape.
其實答案再簡單不過了，愛是一卷自製混音帶。